I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

265. Distorted Communication

Distorted Communication

A metaphor:

Successful constructive communication is like a ball game, where both partners catch and throw back the ball.   

Each partner listens and reacts in a logical manner to what the other has said.   No matter, if the reply is a general statement, a supply of information, a question, a reply, it is connected to the previous uttering of the other, it indicates listening.    Even if there was no direct reaction expected, the next uttering is related to the topic of the conversation.    The communication is continued, until there is consent.  

When a woman wants to communicate about a relationship problem, but the man impedes it by disruption, there are several pattern:

1.  The man lets the ball bounce off him while he stands there without moving.
The man does not react at all, when the woman says something to him.

2.  The man catches the ball and throws it aside.
The man reacts with clear signs of annoyance, when she starts to talk to him, but does not reply.  

3.  The man catches the ball, throws it aside and throws another ball at her.  
The man shows, that he has heard her, but what he says himself has no connection to what she had said.   

4.  The man throws one ball after the other at her at a rate, that she cannot catch them.
The man monologues and gives her no chance to participate in a dialogue.

5.  The man ostensibly takes something into his hands, so that he cannot catch a ball.
The man avoids talking by strategies of being elusive, like pretending to be busy.

6.  The man misses catching the correctly thrown ball, it rolls out of his reach.   He throws a ball of his own back.
The man does not comprehend, what she says, because he is too immature to understand her way of thinking.   When he replies, his reply is not appropriate to what she had said.

7.  Like 6, but he throws his own ball at her with so much vigor, that it throws her off balance.
He gets aggressive, because he blames her for his own lack of comprehension.

All of the above patterns impede solving conflicts and when unresolved conflicts pile up, then the relationship is doomed.    My mindmate to find is someone, who sincerely and unrestrictedly communicates about everything.