I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

335. Interpreting the Past

Interpreting the Past
Knowing past behavior of people helps to estimate the probability of what behavior can be expected from them in the future.  

Knowing the reasons, why a man's last relationship ended, is a valuable indicator for the evaluation, if he has the qualities to be a bonded companion, or if he is more driven by instinct and infatuation and a high risk.   This can be an important information in the decision, if a man is compatible or not. 
This of course is only possible, if he reveals the reasons with honesty and sincerity.   Dishonesty is an additional problem.  

1.   A bonding and committing partner, who predominantly needs a companion, ends a relationship only,
  • if the other has done an unforgivable wrong like cheating.
  • if the other's behavior is hurtful, morally unacceptable and/or selfish, and there is a refusal to modify this behavior.
  • if the other leaves for selfish, inconsiderate and irresponsible reasons.   
  • if there is an agreement to end the relationship as the consequence of unsolvable conflicts, and they have not enough in common to be companions. 
Each of these reasons is grave enough to end all contact along with ending the relationship. 
If a man agrees, that these are the only acceptable reasons to end a relationship, then there is a low risk of being dumped by him.   The relationship can be reliable, as long as my behavior is correct, and this is in my own power.  

2.  If a man has dumped his ex for selfish reasons, or if he has driven her away by bad treatment, then this is a big red flag, if not a dealbreaker.   Of course, there is a low probability, that he has learned a lesson, feels guilty and remorse and would not repeat his damaging behavior.   This needs careful evaluation, but there is a big risk of being hurt and dumped too.  

3.  If a man has ended a relationship, but is still close friends with his ex, then this is an absolute dealbreaker.  Becoming deeply hurt by such a man is unavoidable.  Obviously his ex has all the qualities to be a companion, else he could not feel attached to her as to a close friend and else he would not feel the need to continue contact with her.   But being attached enough to be companions is not enough for him as a basis for a relationship, otherwise he would still be with her.   
Such a man is obviously someone so much driven and determined by his instincts, that for him the passion of infatuation is the main motivation for a relationship, while companionship alone is not sufficient.    When infatuation wears off, like it always does, he moves on, collecting a growing harem of exes on the way.  

With such a man, there can never be the reliability of a relationship as a safe haven, because the fading of his infatuation is beyond my influence.   It is in my power to treat him correctly, to do my share in a fair deal of giving and receiving, to keep him in homeostasis.  This is, what I have influence upon, but it is not enough to keep him.   Once his infatuation is gone, I am unable to stop him from reducing me to one more member of his harem of deactivated intimate partners, in the case of my acquiescence with the harem insertion.   The alternative is being dumped, when he moves on in search of a new infatuation.