I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Monday, July 4, 2011

336. Amending or Preventive Responsibility

Amending or Preventive Responsibility

I do not expect from a man to make me happy as a onesided activity of his.  
Happiness depends on the coaction of
  • the wise choice of a compatible partner, who is able to fulfill all important relationship needs.
  • a relationship deal as a carved in stone agreement concerning the fulfillment of each other's relationship needs, this being the precondition for getting involved.

Besides relationship needs for proactive behavior there are needs for abstinence behavior, which are at least equally important.   Often people are well aware of their expectations of a partner's specific proactive behaviors, while they cannot foresee all future abstinence needs.    Obviously, a person cannot know or think of all behaviors, by which s/he will feel hurt, disturbed, annoyed and even damaged, until having experienced them for the first time in this relationship.  

Therefore, it is easy to make a comprehensive list of proactive behaviors to be included in the relationship deal.   But it is difficult to include all abstinence behaviors, while not knowing in advance, which behaviors will cause disruption in the future.   

Therefore responsibility is of paramount importance.    A responsible person is motivated to do no harm to another, and if harm is done, is motivated to undo it or compensate for it.  

Taking responsibility or not can have several patterns.
  1. Transgressions

    A transgression means, that the transgressor causes harm knowing in advance, that his behavior is harmful, therefore he has a choice to cause the harm or to refrain.  
    1.1.  No responsibility
    The transgressor feels either entitled to his transgressions or he feels entitled to excuse and exonerate himself in disagreement with the victim.
    1.2.  Extrinsic amending responsibility
    The transgressor does not take responsibility as in 1.1, but he makes amends for the sole purpose of precluding bad consequences for himself.   He considers the transgression as a mere mistake in reaching his own purpose.  

    When there are transgressions, the relationship is doomed.  

  2. Accidental harm

    Accidental harm is often caused as a consequence of ignorance, carelessness, oversight, distraction.

    2.1. No responsibility
    An emotional moron is not able to take responsibility for any harm he ever does, instead he excuses and exonerates himself, even in disagreement with the victim.   In this case, the relationship is doomed.
    2.2. Intrinsic amending responsibility
    A person feels and accepts responsible for all the harm, that he does, once it comes to his awareness.  Then he apologizes, feels sincerely sorry and makes amends.   But he is not bothered, until the harm is done and it is too late to avoid it.   Life with him is a roller coaster of the cycles of harm and amends, often as a repetition of the same hurtful behavior.  Sincere apologies and amends are a way of restoring harmony, but every harm causes nevertheless sufferings, that should be avoided and prevented.
    2.3. Preventive responsibility
    This is an important requirement for happiness in a committed relationship.   It means, that a partner considers the consequences of his behavior upon the other, before he acts, while he still has a choice.   If he does not know, how his behavior would impact his partner, he consults her, before he proceeds.   If he has done accidental harm, he not only makes amends for what has been done, but he focuses upon learning, how not to repeat the same or similar harm in the future.   
    He cares for her emotional wellbeing, and he expresses this in his attempts to learn to know her well enough to know, what specific behaviors to avoid as being especially hurtful, annoying and discomforting for her.  

Bonded committed partners, who both are motivated by preventive responsibility, are sharing a learning process, during which they will succeed to cause less and less harm to each other, the longer they are together.  While for instinct driven people, especially men, the importance of a relationship fades along with the initial physical infatuation, for bonded and committed companions, the relationship develops towards more happiness over time.    
That is, what I wish to happen with my mindmate to be found.