I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

437. A Case Study Of A Prototypical Jerk

A Case Study Of A Prototypical Jerk

A man disclosed the following story about himself somewhere on the web.  

He has the inclination to get infatuated with a woman for about a month, then he loses all interest in her.   With another woman, the cycle repeats itself.    He had been married, had lost interest also in his wife, and continued the pattern of short lived infatuations with other women, while he was married.   The marriage ended with a divorce.   Since then, he experiences himself as hated by his ex-wife, his children and his family of origin.  

He has revealed enough to justify the conclusion, that he has been the cause of a lot of suffering.  

So far, this is certainly not an exceptional story.   But what he reveals about his subjective perception of his situation is remarkable.   It makes him a prototype of a specific kind of jerks.

He does not lack the intelligence to fully understand on an objective level the causality of the consequences of his own behavior.  But in spite of this full awareness, his emotional evaluation is completely incongruent with his rational description.   

He acknowledges without any hesitation, that the feelings of his wife and of any other woman did not matter to him.   Women are in his perception commodities for his goals.   He states this in a completely factual way, as if it had never occurred to him, that there could be any difference between needing shoes and needing a women.    He is void of any guilt for not being bothered about the feelings of others.   He even admits that his behavior was selfish, but as if there is nothing wrong with being selfish.  

He suffers himself severely by being hated and by being deprived of all the benefits, he wanted to continue getting from having a family.   Only his own pain exists as real in his perception.    His reaction to his own pain is self-pity, not empathy or recognition for the pain, that he had caused.   In his emotional perception, he suffers from the inclemencies of a hostile world and from bad luck, but not from anything, that he is himself responsible for.

He does not suffer remorse and guilt for the transgression of having hurt his wife and the other women.   He suffers from being a loser and from the failure of not getting, what he wants by treating women according to his entitlement.   He sees his own behavior merely as a weakness, for which he suffers himself.    He feels entitled to his weakness and to be forgiven without earning forgiveness.   He blames his ex-wife for not forgiving him.  

In spite of the harm done by him, he claims to be a good, kind and caring person and he believes it.  

Objectively seen, all his own pain are his ex-wife's reactions to the pain caused by him.  Had he not hurt her first, she would not have reacted.   He alone has brought pain upon others and upon himself.   But instead, he feels himself the victim of unwarranted hatred.   

Would he feel responsible for hurting others, he would know, that his own pain is of no consequence upon the suffering of others nor upon his own responsibility.    But his thinking is distorted by the frustrated entitlement to omit being bothered about other people's feelings, to never be blamed and to be forgiven for all weaknesses.   
He blames his own pain as much upon his ex-wife, as he perceives himself blamed by her.   His perception of the pain as balanced serves him as a justification for refusing responsibility.  

This guy is a prototype, because he bluntly acknowledges his attitude.   In a less drastic or obvious degree, many jerks behave like him.   

It is a pattern:
Jerks feel entitled to use a woman as a commodity, in denial and oblivion of her feelings.   
Jerks do not understand, when the hurt woman's behavior is a reaction to this inappropriate attitude.
Jerks consider the woman's reaction as the woman's defect.
Their own suffering from the woman's reaction serves as the jerks' justification for not taking responsibility.