I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

234. Commitment and Friendship

Commitment and Friendship

Again and again I hear or read of people, who do not want a relationship, or at least not one living together.   They feel, that their friends are all they really need.    I have even read something like this as a motto on someone's profile:  Friends are forever, relationships come and go.    But what good are friends, who forever fail to cater for vital needs?
Commitment starts, where friendship ends.   The motto: 'United we stand, Divided we fall' describes the essence of commitment, which is lacking in all friendships of people who have separate lives.   Under extreme situations of expeditions and adventures it may be different.   In everyday life, when there is some trouble, be it with the neighbours, unwarranted demands for payments, stress at the job, as a person without a partner, I can find some relief by ranting to a patiently listening friend, I can get advice from a friend, but in the end, I am still alone with my troubles and I continue to feel alone.   The friend is not directly struck and affected, it is not her problem, only mine, as much as she may be supportive, she is an outsider.   
When a committed partner shares with me life, accommodation, resources, and when he has the identity of being half of a couple, half of a unit, that is us, then all is different.    With such a partner, I am never alone with any troubles, what strikes me, strikes him too.    If there is a conflict with the neighbours, it is his conflict too.   With a committed partner, I have never troubles to cope with alone, it is always us as a couple coping together with our troubles.
'United we stand, Divided we fall' means for me that together with a partner, we are each other's safe haven to cope with all the inclemencies of life without being stressed and emotionally affected in any detrimental way.   Being together in the struggle of life is a source of strength.    When I am alone, I am fully rationally capable to cope with all those troubles, but the stress of having to cope with them alone drains and depletes me.   

Years ago in a phase between relationships, I tried to numb and diminish my loneliness with a social life.   I was mingling with a lot of friends and acquaintances.    It was an illusion, it did not much good to me.   With them or without them I always felt lonely and alone.   I learned by this experience, that friends and acquaintances can never be more than an insufficient substitute for someone sharing life for better and for worse.   
A shared social life can be a part of the enjoyable things of a committed couple, it can add to the quality of life.   But a social life cannot replace a committed relationship.  

I am aware that for me as a woman, it is socially acceptable to admit, that coping alone with the inclemencies of life depletes me.    According to his social role, a man is supposed not only to cope alone for himself without feeling stressed, but to cope also for the dominated woman.    When a role-conforming man feels alone and stressed, he does not admit, not even to himself, that 'United we stand, Divided we fall' also is true for him.   Much less does he accept, admit and acknowledge the value of the woman's active part in the reciprocal support.   
Such a man, who needs the woman's support but cannot allow himself to acknowledge this, often attempts to cope with his own overload by alcohol, psychotropic drugs, becoming a workaholic.   Or he becomes a jerk, whose ruthless domination expresses his complete denial, that anything he does is less than perfect and that he would fare much better with the woman's support.

My mindmate is someone, who has the honesty to himself, and the unblurred introspection, that he needs the mutual support of a committed relationship as much as I do.     He is someone, who also feels 'United we stand, Divided we fall' about a committed relationship, and logically he also does not perceive friends as better or sufficient to substitute commitment.