Hierarchy of Conflicts
When a couple has conflicts, many times there is one or a few very fundamental conflicts, that are on an abstract level and often hidden from the awareness of both partners.
When a couple has conflicts, many times there is one or a few very fundamental conflicts, that are on an abstract level and often hidden from the awareness of both partners.
The many concrete, superficial and practical conflicts, over which they are fighting, arguing and competing are secondary conflicts, that are all direct or indirect consequences of the primary conflicts. In the best case, the partners are able to bargain for a fair compromise, in the worst case, the man bullies the woman to get, what he wants and over time, he establishes domination.
But the recurrence of the secondary conflicts will never seize and slowly undermine the relationship. For long lasting peace and harmony, they need to resolve the primary conflicts with a general policy, with an agreement on a relationship governance.
Couples often have conflicts about how to spend money. Here are two examples of a possible primary conflict in the case, that both contribute to the shared expenses and fight over what to spend money on.
1. They have a different concept of their relationship. The man perceives and considers himself as a friend with benefits with exclusivity, for the women, there is intrinsic commitment. The man feels entitled to spend any money in his pocket and bank account as his own on whatever he wants as priority without consulting her. The woman considers all the money in his and her pockets and accounts as a commonly owned resource. She feels an obligation not to waste any money but to share the decision about what to spend it on and she expects and feels entitled, that he does the same.
2. The man is a hedonist and the woman an epicurean. For the hedonist, physical pleasure like eating in an expensive restaurant is an important goal in life, and he does not hesitate to spend any money he has on his priority. The epicurean thinks differently, she compares the price of the meal in the restaurant with how many hours she had to work to earn it. When she comes to the conclusion, that the meal was not worth the investment of so much of her lifetime, then she feels disrespected and devalued by the hedonist, because he does not value her lifetime enough to refrain from wasting it.
Therefore it is very important for a couple to share their basic values, goals and priorities in life and to communicate about them to avoid, that unsolved fundamental conflicts become a source of recurrent disruption.
