I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

280. Subjective Reality - 2

Subjective Reality - 2

A viable relationship is based upon the common endeavour to spare each other pain and to care about each other's happiness.    This requires a mutually full awareness of each other's subjective experiences as valid and real.   It also requires the full unrestricted mutual disclosure of both partners' true innermost feelings.   What causes pain and how much is respected as a part of the partner's personality and not devalued as a weakness and a flaw. 

Both partners need the validation of their feelings as real and as appropriate.  They need mutually to accept, that each other's reactions are logical, in proportion and adequate to the severity of what they have subjectively experienced, even if they would not react the same under similar circumstances. 

One partner has either the empathy to feel the pain of the other or he has the trust to take any of the other's statements about subjective experiences as true.   Otherwise he is unable to care and to alleviate pain and discomfort.   Caring persons never assume or tell their partners, what they should feel and what not.   They are interested to know, what the other really feels, and this can only be found out by asking and by listening.  

When one partner respects and appreciates the other as an equal and as a person of rationality and intelligence, then not understanding the other's behavior or utterances is considered as a matter of communication.    Jumping to the conclusion, that all incomprehensible behavior of the other indicates flaws, shows disrespect.    Asking and listening until there is understanding shows respect.  
This goes both ways.   Not explaining, when the other does not understand, but expecting submission to incomprehensible behavior is also disrespect.    Appreciation is based on both, on interest in the other's subjective reality and on sharing the own.  

When such partners support each other with advice, suggestions and offering help, this is based upon the accepted reality of the other, not by redefining and reinterpreting it.

This requires, that both partners have full understanding of the dynamics between them.   It requires especially the full awareness of the difference between when one partner initiates an action, and when one partner reacts to what the other has initiated.    A completely logical reaction can appear incomprehensible, if mistaken for an action by the own initiative.     

This requires trust.   If one partner doubts the self-disclosure and statements of the other with suspicions of a hidden agenda or exaggeration for the purpose of manipulation, he can never know the true subjective reality.
It also requires mutual verification, that what one understands as the other's reality is the same as what was attempted to be conveyed.   

Undistorted knowledge of the other's subjective reality requires to beware and not to fall into psychological traps of doing the following without correction by verifying it:
  • Projecting the own reality upon the other.
  • Taking anything for granted
  • Jumping to conclusions instead of listening
  • Confounding wishful thinking with reality
  • Avoiding the truth by denial
In short, it is important to avoid applying to the partner's reality the same defense mechanism, that people are prone to use in distorting the full awareness of their own reality.

The three steps to understanding the partner's reality are:
  1. Acknowledging the own complete ignorance of the partner's subjective reality.
  2. Asking, listening to and verifying in cooperation and communication with the partner without doubting the sincerity and accuracy
  3. Accepting the partner's reality as equally valid and justified as the own

Accepting the partner's reality is not possible, when it contradicts the own basic values or needs.   In this case the couple is not compatible as mindmates in intrinsic commitment.    Tolerance and denial are not a solution for bonding.   
Tolerance only works for those couples, who have the mutual agreement of being only infatuated with each other's bodies, without a wish to deeply be bonded or of breeding as the main purpose of the relationship.   

Example:   When one partner's subjective reality is based upon religious believes, while the other's reality is based upon rationality and science, then the two can gain full knowledge of the partner's subjective reality, but they are incompatible, because the can never accept the other's reality as equally valid and justified as the own.   Their tolerance is mutual condescension.   The religious person often feels sorry for the nonbelievers lack of enlightenment and dire fate after death.   The rational person considers the blind belief as a deficit in rationality.