I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

274. Men's Worst Urban Legend - 1

Men's Worst Urban Legend - 1

There is an urban legend between men:   When a woman says no, she means yes.   
I as a woman consider a man, who consciously believes this, as a moron.  If his behavior is determined by this belief, while he consciously believes to respect a woman, he is an emotional moron.   He is too immature and stupid to understand, what this belief really means and implies.   

If a man does not take a woman's statements for serious, he does not take her for serious, he does not respect her at all, he does not perceive or consider her as an equal.   

It is not only an outrage of disrespect, but it also impedes any solution of conflicts and any healthy development, if a woman makes a statement, and the man cannot be influenced by her statement and continues to behave, as if she had never even opened her mouth or as if she has said something very different or even the contrary.   Constructive communication requires both partners to react verbally and in their behavior as precisely as possible to what the other really says and does.   

When a woman says 'no', a mature and decent man, who respects her as an equal person, accepts it as a 'no'.    He has the choice to leave it as this and not insist any further, or to ask her, what he can do to gain her 'yes'.   After she has told him her conditions, he either accepts to comply or he acknowledges her 'no' as valid and final.  

Emotional morons, who never take a woman's statements for serious, are usually clueless about the emotional consequences of this.    A woman with self-respect and self-esteem expects to be respected and taken for serious as an equal partner.    Asking a man, if he respects her as an equal is not enough to find out the truth.   An emotional moron my sincerely believe to respect her, even if he does not.    His true amount of respect or lack of respect can only be experienced by his behavior in reaction to her statements.    When a man takes her statements for serious, this indicates that he takes her for serious.  
When being respected as an equal is a woman's crucial need in a relationship, every experience of the man's disrespect hurts her very much.    But the emotional moron has no clue, that his disregard of her statements hurts her at all.   

There are several kinds of how an emotional moron hurts a woman by his disrespect
  1. She says no, and he behaves, as if she had said yes.   She says something, and he behaves, as if she had said something different or the contrary.    She says something, and he does not react, as if he were deaf.
  2. She tells him her condition, when he wants something from her.   He continues to pursue his demand as if she had never told him her condition.
  3. He accepts a condition or agrees to fulfill a need of her.   He does not comply, but he feels not as if he is breaking a promise or breaking his word, because he just did not take her statement for serious, that the condition or the need were really something of vital importance to her.   He believes his breaking a promise as omitting an insignificant trivial.    He had mistaken her condition for a suggestion.
  4. She asks a man not to do or not to repeat some painful, disturbing or annoying behavior.   He continues the same behavior as if she had not said anything.    He even continues the behavior after she has asked him dozens of times to stop.
  5. He does not believe her statement of feeling pain, when she attributes the pain to his behavior.
  6. When he accepts her statement of feeling pain, he refuses to accept her attribution, that his behavior was the cause.   He denies her to have a sound judgement to perceive, consider or define his behavior as inappropriate in her subjective reality.  
  7. He does not react, when she attempts to convince him of something with rationality and logic.   He does not attempt to convince her.   Her agreement and consent are irrelevant and insignificant for him, he does, what he wants, no matter what she thinks about it.   If he is able to interact rationally and logically, he reserves this to those persons, whom he respects, while he dominates the woman.    Respect impedes domination.    Domination is an expression of disrespect.
  8. When he dislikes her behavior, he begrudges her without any reaction to, consideration of or interest in her explanations of her reasons, her perceptions, her needs, her subjective reality.   He considers only his own subjective reality as valid, but he does not concede any value to her subjective reality.
  9. His disrespectful opinion and attitude translates whatever she says automatically into something, that confirms his prejudice of her.   While his ear hears the sound of a 'no', his mind receives 'yes' as the expected message.   
  10. He himself does not honor others by expressing his true meaning in his own statements.   He makes statements verbally or by his actions, but he does not really mean, what he expresses and he projects his own game on others.    He sometimes says 'no' but wants the other to take it for a 'yes' and assumes the same from a woman.    He sometimes expresses things for the purpose of extorting and manipulating.    He projects this on the woman.

I am a woman, who says, what she means and means, what she says.   If a man is not able to take my statements as true at face value and myself for serious, then he cannot be my mindmate.