I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

275. Men's Worst Urban Legend - 2

Men's Worst Urban Legend - 2
In entry 274 I described the general effects of a man's disrespect, when he does not take a woman's statements at face value or does not react to them in an appropriate way.

The disrespect has especially serious consequences, when a man does not take a woman's needs and her statements concerning them for serious.    

I have already mentioned several times, that men's reason gets blurred, when they are too much under the effects of the lack of sexual homeostasis.      

A woman makes the statement:  'I am available for a man, who fulfills my needs'.  Of course, for a mature and decent man, she does not really need to express this statement explicitly, because the willingness to fulfil each other's need is considered as self-evident in an intrinsically committed relationship, just as it is self-evident to abstain from a relationship, when it is evident, that one or both cannot fulfill the other's needs.    
But for the purpose of this entry, I assume, that the woman tells explicitly to an emotional moron, that she is only available for a man, who fulfills her needs.  

The woman has abstract and complex emotional needs, that in other entries I already defined as intrinsic commitment.   The mature and decent man, who is hypoanimalistic and not overwhelmed by his instincts, takes a woman's statements at face value and for serious, no matter if it is implicit or explicit.   He does not doubt, that she means exactly, what she says.    When he is convinced, that the woman can fulfill his needs, then he knows that he has to ascertain very carefully, what her needs are.    He is fully aware, that he cannot reliably know, guess or assume her needs without asking her, what they are and without careful verification, that he has really understood her.  He checks, that he is able to fulfill them, before he offers her to fulfill her needs as his part of the deal.
If he comes to the conclusion, that either he cannot fulfill her needs or she cannot fulfill his, he automatically accepts and acknowledges, that there cannot be a relationship and he does not pursue her.

But lacking homeostasis in combination with the urban legend, that a woman does not really mean, what she says, makes emotional morons dangerous and dysfunctional for incompatible women.    Their urges make them predators, but the urban legend makes them a nuisance for those women, who do not want to be their prey.    

Some of emotional morons' mistakes:

1.  Fulfilling alleged needs instead of her true needs.
In the case, that he is willing to make a fair deal, the emotional moron does not take the woman's statement precisely at face value.   He hears her saying, that she is available for a man, who gives her enough or a lot in return.  But he omits to understand, that she means her true own needs.  He is oblivious of the necessity to obtain the information from her, what her true needs really are.  
He either projects his own needs upon her or assumes needs of other women as hers or what he has read or heard of as the alleged women's needs.    He ascribes those alleged needs to her and attempts to fulfill them.  As a consequence he feels entitled to get his needs in return for giving her, what she neither wants nor needs nor has asked for herself.    Any efforts from her to tell him her true needs fail, because he does not take her enough for serious to listen.   

2.  Fulfilling his needs is her only need. 
He is not bothered about her statement being generally valid or not, but he does not take it for serious concerning himself.   He considers it as only valid for all common men except for himself.   He believes himself as so superior and special, that any woman feels honored to be allowed to fulfill his needs, while he does not fulfill hers.    He has the delusion that her only own need is fulfilling his needs.

3.  Balancing the fulfillment of a fraction of her needs with a fraction of his.
He does not take her statement as serious and valid.   He distorts her statement in his mind.   He believes that she is available for any man, who wants her, and that she is only willing to fulfill as many of his needs as he fulfills of hers. 
3.1.  He pursues a woman, even while he does not expect the woman to be able to fulfill any of his needs beyond sexual homeostasis.  As a consequence, he believes that the woman does not expect many of her needs fulfilled in return.  
3.2.  He pursues a woman, even though he only wants sexual homeostasis and nothing else, and he therefore has no intention to fulfill many of her needs.
3.3.  He knows, that he cannot fulfill many important needs of the woman, but expects to nevertheless get homeostasis from her, if he does not demand anything else and just fulfills those of her needs, that he is able to.  

4.   Manipulating her evaluation of what is a fair deal.
He has the some distorted perception of her statement as has moron 3 but a different goal.   As a part of his strategy to get the most for the least price, he devalues her as much as he can.    He calls her flawed and defective and attempts to make her believe that she is unable to fulfill any of his needs, so he can avoid the trouble of fulfilling her needs in return.    In reality he wants her, because she does fulfill many of his needs, but he does not admit it.   

5.  Being a predator not concerned about any needs.
He does not take her statement as serious and valid, but keeps on trying and insisting, annoying her.  He does not even  perceive, consider or accept a relationship as a deal at all.   He is just a predator attracted by a prey, focusing on the hunt.  He is not bothered about her needs, they are no concern of his, neither neither her alleged nor her true needs.   If he has any assumption about her needs, it is the delusion, that she enjoys to be the prey, who is hunted.   One 'no' is never enough for him, he has to be told 'no' a hundred times, until it sinks in, that it really is a 'no', that he can hunt the prey, but not obtain it.