Needs, Habits, Consideration and the Relationship Deal
As already mentioned several times, a viable relationship is based upon fulfilling each other's relationship needs. A relationship deal is an agreement about which needs each expects to be fulfilled as the purpose of having the relationship. This also requires, that they agree about how much the fulfillment of every need costs the other. This means that both partners evaluate, if they can principally fulfill all needs, and if the subjective costs of all the needs of the other are in proportion with what can be gained in return.
There are very different kinds of needs. Some needs are
As already mentioned several times, a viable relationship is based upon fulfilling each other's relationship needs. A relationship deal is an agreement about which needs each expects to be fulfilled as the purpose of having the relationship. This also requires, that they agree about how much the fulfillment of every need costs the other. This means that both partners evaluate, if they can principally fulfill all needs, and if the subjective costs of all the needs of the other are in proportion with what can be gained in return.
There are very different kinds of needs. Some needs are
- practical, concrete and material, while others are emotional, abstract and immaterial.
- fulfilled by actively doing something, other needs are fulfilled by abstaining from doing something.
- very costly to fulfill, others are easily fulfilled or even cost nothing.
- simple, others are complex on different levels of abstraction.
- subjective and individual of the partner, other needs are based upon general obligations or consideration between decent and civilized humans.
1. Subjective and individual needs:
Examples:
1.1. A man snores horribly, whenever he drinks alcohol. The woman has the need to sleep undisturbed by the snoring, so she asks him not to drink alcohol in the evening.
This is a practical need. It is a need for abstaining. It costs him something, how much depends on how much he needs to drink something to relax, assuming that he is not an alcoholic.
1.2. A woman has the need to share as much as possible. She wants to share activities, this is a practical need. She wants to share decisions, this is an emotional need. On the practical level, when money is limited, an important shared decision is the question, what to spend money on. For example, she wants to spend money on vacations together.
This is a material need. Going on a vacation is an action. The subjective cost can be high or low, this depends on how much the man feels deprived of having more money for personal purposes like buying an expensive car for himself.
It is also an emotional need. Sharing and consulting her before every decision, that has consequences and any impact upon both her, is an expression of respect, of appreciation, of equality, of closeness, of being important enough to be included in his life.
It costs him nothing, if he is bonded and sharing is also for him a basis of the relationship. It is a very costly need, if he is someone considering himself as entitled to dominate.
2. The need for the partner's acceptance of his obligation to overcome disturbing habits.
Example:
A man has bad habits like using the f-word or burping, and this disturbs the woman. When the woman asks him to stop those habits, it is not expressing a need in the sense of a favor to please her. Overcoming disturbing bad habits is an obligation of politeness and civility. This obligation is a part of commitment.
It is important to be explicit in the relationship deal about the obligation to overcome bad habits and to agree, which behaviors are bad habits and which are to be accepted and tolerated as the partner's basic rights to be himself.
3. Considerations
Considerations means fulfilling individual needs of the partner, that cost nothing but are important her.
Example:
A woman dislikes everything Teutonic, because she associates it with the Nazi history and Auschwitz, and this includes names like Kriemhild (more in entry 186). She has a strong aversion to be called by such a name.
Not hearing the name is an emotional need of hers, which costs him nothing to fulfill. It is an act of consideration. Considerations are similar to overcoming bad habits, they are included in politeness and civility and therefore a part of the relationship deal.
When a man fulfills all the woman's needs, that he has accepted in the relationship deal, and when he shows the civility to fight his bad habits and when he has considerations for her, then she can interpret this as an expression of his caring for, respecting, appreciating and valuing her.
But if the men in my examples continue to drink in the evening, buy a car without consulting her, consider burping and calling her Kriemhild as their entitlement, then this expresses something fundamentally deficient in the relationship. All these behaviors are clear indications of disrespect, depreciation and lack of caring. By denying her her needs, civility and consideration, he denies her her most basic emotional need of being treated and perceived as a cherished equal valued and cared for partner.
If the man appreciates her, and he fails to do something, that she rightfully expects, then he welcomes her feedback as a reminder for him to do, what he wants to do or feels an obligation to do.
But if the man depreciates her, and he fails to do something, that she rightfully expects, then he perceives her feedback as unwarranted criticizing and even as nagging.
Therefore, the relationship deal and all agreements of a couple need to be carved in stone for both of them, until and unless they both agree unequivocally to change it. Otherwise the relationship is doomed.
