I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

272. Emotional Morons and Impaired Abstract Thinking - 2

Emotional Morons and Impaired Abstract Thinking - 2

This is a continuation of entry 271.

2.  The emotional moron with the abstract thinking impairment cannot be influenced

A mature and decent persons acts responsible, when
  • he is aware of the effect of his action upon others, because he has either noticed it himself or he perceives information
  • he attributes the effect upon another as the consequence of his own action
  • he agrees, that the effect upon the other was not appropriate
  • he makes amends
  • he changes his behavior, if it was not an accident

Like everybody else, an emotional moron with concrete thinking can take responsibility for practical actions.  
If he looses a borrowed book or damages the neighbour's fence, he is able to take responsibility and make amends for the damage.   

But the situation of the two examples in entry 271 is different.  
  • In the first example, the women experiences pain, because she perceives some behavior of the man as embarrassing.   She feels additional pain, because she feels betrayed by his broken promise to never embarrass her.  
  • In the second example, the women experiences the pain of being devalued by being excluded from the man's solitary decision imposed upon her, and she experiences the solitary decision as a betrayal from a man, who has appeared to enter commitment.  

In both examples, the man has a clean conscience of subjectively not having done anything wrong.    He has no clue, that he is embarrassing her, and he feels entitled to behave like a single friend with benefits.    But the woman is extremely hurt.  

If the woman looses her countenance in a visible way, he is sincerely puzzled, what is happening to her.    He is unable to see any connection whatsoever between his conduct and her reaction.  He experiences it not as a logical reaction, but as a weird behavior.  He has bluffed himself into believing to know, how to treat a woman.    He firmly believes, that there is neither anything wrong with him, nor that he has done anything wrong.    Logically, he takes no responsibility at all for her incomprehensible state.

As for the emotional moron, who he is, he can think of only one possible explanation for her apparently weird demeanor.  He starts to believe, that there is something wrong, flawed and deranged with the woman.    
She is alone with her pain, she cannot get support from the man, who hurts her, but whom she had chosen as someone to support her in the safe haven, that the relationship was meant to be.  
But there is no safe haven, not support, no amends, not change of behavior from him.   When he embarrasses her the next time, when he forces his next solitary decision upon her, she gets worse, because the new pain just adds to the old pain, that could not heal without his cooperation.   The stronger her pained reaction, that he is unable to understand, the more he considers her as flawed and the spiral of deterioration of the relationship has started to turn.

If the woman's pain is not visible on the outside, if she has the self-control to stay calm but feels a need to avoid a repetition of his painful behavior and attempts to talk about it, he is unable to understand, what she means.    Since he firmly believes, that there is nothing wrong with him and that he has done nothing wrong, he perceives her incomprehensible feedback as distorted thinking, unwarranted criticizing, and her repeated attempts to discuss the topic as nagging.    In this case too, the spiral of deterioration start to turn, when he blames it on her flaws, if she continues to insist to communicate and solve the conflict.   

As explained in entry 271, if an emotional moron with impaired abstract thinking has a very good memory, he is able to compensate his impairment by memorizing so much of other people's thoughts, including advice how to treat women, that he can bluff himself and others to appear intelligent and able to think abstractly.   But of course, when women get to know him better, they do notice that they cannot get the kind of communication they want and they reject him.    Getting rejected by women but not knowing why, he is prone to react by becoming a narcissist.  

The woman's situation, when the man cannot understand her pain, even though he has caused it, is bad enough, when she attempts to make a non-narcissistic emotional moron aware, that she needs his cooperation to improve the relationship.    But if he is a narcissist, then the situation is even worse, because as a narcissist, he already has the belief, that a woman is inferior.    Her incomprehensible reaction of pain is not only perceived by him as indicating a limited flaw.   For the narcissist, it is one more piece of additional evidence enhancing his belief in her inferiority and the justification of his domination.     

To sum it up.    An emotional moron with the impairment of abstract thinking does not know, how to treat a woman, but he believes that he does.   He can not be influenced by the woman to learn, how to treat her.    If she gets harmed by his behavior, he considers it as her flaw.