I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

287. The Narcissistic Bluffer

The Narcissistic Bluffer

A narcissist has a never satisfied need for adulation, adoration, admiration.   Even when he has successfully got a woman into the role of his doormat, he still wants to get more narcissistic supply from additional sources.   

If he were really good with some skills or qualifications, he would have no reason to be a narcissist, he could feel good about his true accomplishments.    But his intelligence and general aptitude are somewhat limited.   If he has a good memory and enough talent in his verbal expression to compensate for other deficits, then he is predestined to become a bluffer.  

First of all, he carefully chooses his audience.    They are all people, who have some kind of a problem, either psychologically or intellectually.  From his subjective perspective, he chooses his suitable ditch full of people, to whom he can feel superior.   All new age, religious and selfhelp groups are the ideal playground for the bluffer.  Either he only pretends to have the problem of the group's focus, or maybe he has it very lightly, or he may only believe to be afflicted himself.    He has not real convictions, in the core of his personality his is just gullible.    He can change his religious and new age believes easily and radically, if he has exhausted the patience of one group and moves on to another.    Everything except the narcissism is only skin deep, all the bluffer's convictions, attitudes and his pseudo-wisdom.

The bluffer enters the group apparently as a member like everybody else.   But as soon as he gets the occasion, he climbs on a pedestal and starts to impress the group with his monologues.   He comes well prepared, he has read books about the specific problem or belief system of that group, and he has memorized a lot of theory and advice, that he now pours out over the awe stricken audience.   For them, it is impressive, but they have no clue, that he repeats, what he has read, without any deeper comprehension.    Even though he has elevated himself upon a pedestal, the ground above the ditch is still much higher.  

For an observer from a distance, all his pseudo-wisdom is nothing more then mental diarrhea.    He pours out so much of it, that hardly ever anybody has a chance to get a word in.   But he only focuses on his own performance, and he does not even notice, that when the genuine sufferers in the group talk about their experiences, he lacks empathy and understanding.    He is a parrot and not a participant.   
In religious groups the bluffer learns the specific scriptures of the group by rote and preaches from his pedestal.  Here his role is even easier, because the religious believes make no rational sense to nobody except the believers.   Only skeptical people outside are able to be critical about it.   
He appears quite genuine and convincing, with an assertive body language and a strong voice.   He is not consciously bluffing the others, he is also bluffing himself.    He is oblivious, that what he repeats from books are only words for him, and that there is a more abstract and complex meaning for others, that he looses completely.  
If anybody would ask really learned questions, it would fast become obvious, that the bluffer has no comprehension of what he talks about.     It would be obvious to anybody but the bluffer himself.    The bluffer reads some books about a topic, and then he believes he knows it all and is the specialist.   When he meets a real professional with a degree, and he cannot comprehend him, the bluffer does not recognize his own limitations, instead he declares the professional as incompetent.    
He succeeds to bluff the people in the groups, because all he does is talk.   He could for example preach about the importance of responsibility, even though he himself has no clue, what responsibility means and how to apply responsibility to his own behavior.
The narcissistic bluffer could even join a self-help group of victims of jerks.   He would sincerely believe to be himself the victim of abuse, even though he has a suffering doormat at home.  When at the end of the micro cycle of abuse (entry 286) he himself had driven the woman into outbursts of calling him idiot or a**hole, he starts to believe her to be the abuser.  

The bluffer does not communicate, he only distributes his mental diarrhea.   Input by perception of the utterings of others is impeded.    He has a filter, which allows the narcissistic supply in form of praise and admiration pass through a wall, of which most of other people's utterings, especially the critical ones, bounce off.    He does not bother to listen, because while he believes that everybody else can learn from his alleged wisdom, he does not expect any valuable input from others.   He does not listen to people's feedback, so he avoids to ever be made aware, that in reality he has no clue of what he talks about.

When one group tires of him, he just moves on to another.   People, who recognize his performance as mental diarrhea shrug their shoulders and shun him.   Those who attempt to give him any critical feedback are shunned by him.   The bluffer has many superficial acquaintances, whom he has impressed.  As long as he impresses them, they are blind to what is behind his bluff.     
But he is very alone, because whenever people get close, they do not stay close for long.    They experience the inconsistencies and discrepancy between his words and his behavior, and his hurting and annoying treatment drives them away, before they can become real friends, who would bother to give him the sincere feedback, that he would need.   Instead they just avoid him.    

He has no chance to ever improve.   Over time the bluffer looses the touch with reality.   He believes more and more in his grandiosity and expects, that everywhere the pedestal is already waiting for him, not only in the ditch, but also, when he moves around on the ground above.  
With women, his method is similar.   He bluffs any woman ready to be bluffed to believe, that he were the kind of man she is looking for.  What person she is, makes no difference, as long as she looks up to him, accepts his pedestal as his birthright and gives him narcissistic supply.    Not having a real personality, he again bluffs himself to believe to be the match for any woman, who gives him narcissist supply without resistance.      

But if he ever errs in his choice of his victim and bluffs a fervently egalitarian woman to mistake him for an egalitarian man wanting a close and committed relationship, then trouble starts.   When such a woman experiences in real life, that his behavior is the contrary of his big words, then his bluff stops to be impressive for her.   
They are not in the ditch, and when he climbs onto his pedestal to be above her in his attempts to get her adulation, she pulls him down from the pedestal.   The bluffer becomes furious.   If he is not allowed to be above her on the pedestal, then he considers her appropriate place below him in the ditch.   When he attempts to push her down into the ditch, she resists and they struggle until she can free herself.    
At the time, when he bluffs her into the relationship, she considers him to be at par with herself.  But as soon as she starts to see through his bluff, she wonders, if it is not he, whose place is down in the ditch.