I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

215. Domination or Commitment Governance - 2

Domination or Commitment Governance - 2


1.  Domination: 
A couple has tickets for a trip to leave on Sunday.   A few days before that, an old friend of the man calls and tells him, that he wants visit him from Saturday until Monday.  
The man accepts immediately.   Then he calls the travel agency to change the schedule of the trip.   Only after having done all this, he informs the woman of the change of plans.

I consider this behavior as domination and an outrage, because he disrespects and depreciates the woman.    He does not value the woman enough to include her in sharing decisions, and his friend is more important than the woman.

The correct behavior of an equal partner would be to tell the friend on the telephone to call back later, and then talk about the matter with the woman.    The fair procedure in this situation would be, that they leave as scheduled.   The man has one entire day to be with his friend.   The friend can either stay the second night alone in the apartment or go to a hotel, if he can afford it.   

2.   Respect and caring agreement:
The couple plans to go away over the weekend, but has not yet booked anything.   The man's friends calls wishing to come for the weekend.   He has not seen that friend in a long time while, who can only come this weekend.    Again, accepting immediately is domination.   The correct behavior is to ask the friend to call back later and consult with the woman.   But in this situation, the considerate woman agrees to the change of the plan to please the man, whose wish is to see his friend. 

In this example, they both care about each other's needs.   He cares about the woman's wish to be respected as a partner sharing the decision, and she cares about his wish to have his friend as a guest.  

3.   Commitment Governance:
The couple shares the common lifestyle of enjoying the visit of friends and of visiting friends.    They agree explicitly, that friends visiting are always welcome, as long as there is no serious obstacle.    Hospitality has become a part of their commitment governance.    Only in this situation, when the man can be certain of the woman's consent, he can accept the coming of the friend without consulting her first.   

A viable commitment governance implies the justified and justifiable trust, that whenever one partner decides something on behalf of both partners, the decision is based on a fair evaluation of the equal wellbeing of both, the decision is not aiming at gaining onesided selfish benefits.  

Equality means the reciprocity, that one partner consults the other before taking any decision, that has an impact upon the other, as has for example changing the schedule of a trip.  
Unfortunately, the general brainwashing of men towards domination has the detrimental effect, that many men consider even just consulting a woman not as correct behavior, but as submission under the woman's alleged domination.  

As a consequence, a considerate egalitarian man often gets into a psychological conflict.   He wants both, he wants to be a decent partner and he also wants to be accepted as a man according to what the majority of men consider as masculinity and the male gender role.   
  • When he does consult the woman, the man risks to be scorned and mocked by other men as unmanly and a wimp, and he may even be tempted to agree.    
  • When he dominates the woman, he hurts her and destroys the relationship. 
Thus, he is in a loyalty conflict, and whatever he does, he cannot avoid the risk of loss.   
  • If he decides to be an egalitarian bonded partner treating the woman correctly, he risks the loss of the comfort of being accepted by his buddies.  
  • If he dominates the woman, he destroys the relationship and looses her.  
  • If he tries to please both, he risks to loose both.   

Equality is difficult for both genders, but the man's options are different.    The woman can only choose between suffering or leaving, if the man dominates.   The man can choose between dominating or not, and either way he has to bear the consequences.