I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, January 21, 2011

218. Domination, Egalitarian Commitment and Special Problems

Domination, Egalitarian Commitment and Special Problems
This is a continuation of entries 216 and 217

Domination is a method to get something from someone by using coercion and intimidation.   In combination with only having selfish, uncaring utility love for a woman, whom he perceives as a resource for benefits and advantages, a man can exploit a woman, who feels bonded with caring, unselfish love.  
Domination is a potential in most men, because they usually have the physical strength to back up the intimidation with the ability to batter.   In the absence of unselfish care for the woman's wellbeing, there is nothing to hold a man back from exploiting and dominating her.  

This does not imply, that there are no couples with the different constellation, where the man has caring love for a woman with only utility love.   But whatever method of manipulation and tricking she may use to take advantage, it rarely is the same as is male domination.   But as I am writing this blog as a woman, who is looking for a mutually caring commitment with a non-dominating mindmate, such women are not the focus of my considerations.  But even if it seems so, I am not claiming, that most men are bad and most women are good.  

But to further illustrate the difference between a dominator-dominee and a egalitarian couple, here are three more scenarios of couples, where one partner has a flying phobia.       

1.  The man is an uncaring dominator, the woman has the flying phobia.    In this case, he uses extortion:
He buys the flight tickets and tells her, if she refuses to come along, then he will dump her and look for a better companion, with whom he can enjoy frequent exotic vacations.  

2.  The man is an uncaring dominator, but he has the flight phobia himself.    He feels entitled to be accepted as he is:  
The woman is the one, who loves to travel, and she gently suggests to him to go on a anti-flight-fear training course.    But he gets angry, he insists, that it is his right not to fly, if he does not want to.   If this does not please her, she is welcome to go.    

3.  There is a couple of two egalitarian, bonded, caring partners.   She has the flying phobia.    Both feel care for each other, and both are guided by the obligations of commitment, they can handle the problem in a constructive and considerate way.     Love means to perceive and experience such obligations not as obligations but as caring.    

In this case, he is bound by the obligation of not hurting the other.   He does not put pressure upon her but offers his support for whenever she wants it and in the form she considers best.  
The partner with the fear to flight also has obligations.  She has brought a onesided problem into the relationship, she feels responsible for the disadvantages caused by it.  Therefore she is motivated to do everything possible to overcome her phobia, so that she can comply with his wish to travel together at some time in the future.  
The important focus of both partner is on the own obligation and caring disposition to act for the benefit of the other.   They both do there own best to improve the situation, they do not make mutual demands and they do not take the care of the other for granted.  

Two cooperating caring partners can solve problems, that cause disruptive conflicts between a dominator and a dominee.