I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

222. Hedonist, Epicurean, Relationship - 2

Hedonist, Epicurean, Relationship - 2
In the entries 131 and 157, I have given a general description of the difference between a hedonist and an Epicurean.   This continues entry 158 about the differences between a hedonist's and an Epicurean's kind of a relationship.   It also continues entries 213, 196 and 197 about domination.

1.  Attitudes to eating

This is an analogy.   A hedonist enjoys eating, he wants to have as much of this pleasure as he can.  This means, he wants to spend time focusing on eating and maybe also on activities related to it like preparing meals or becoming a connoisseur of wine.   In the extreme, he enhances this even by barfing, as this quote shows about the Romans:
"Barfing was not only accepted but expected after a banquet. It was a means of getting rid of the prodigious quantities of food and drink pigs gluttonously ingested at their bacchanalian gatherings, and it was believed to prevent hangovers the next day.

Devotees sometimes stuck feathers, such as those from peacocks, down their throats to stimulate their gag reflex. Indeed, practicing this led to the death of Emperor Claudius I."

An Epicurean wishes to indulge in immaterial, intellectual and emotional joys, bliss and pleasure, and to be able to focus on this, he needs physical homeostasis, that means, he does not wish to be distracted by hunger from his intellectual pursuits.   If an Epicurean is very rich, he has a cook or housekeeper, so that he has no need to even think about food except when eating for the purpose of stopping to feel hungry.    This does not exclude, that an Epicurean enjoys a good meal in company once in a while: 
"according to Epicurus, with whom a person eats is of greater importance than what is eaten."
The hedonist wants to be hungry to be able to eat, the Epicurean eats to reach the homeostasis of not feeling hungry.  

2.   Purpose of a relationship

It is the same with the sexual instinct.  
What was the Romans' barfing concerning food, for the hedonist it is using whatever there is available to stimulate and enhance his instinctive urges, pills or pictures or whatever else.  
The Epicurean couple enjoys physical intimacy as an expression and enhancement of there emotional bonding, but it also serves the purpose to free them of the need for it for a while.   Because their focus, the true benefit of the relationships is the companionship of sharing intellectual endeavors and enhancing their general quality of life.  When as an example they go to an art exhibition, they want to be able to focus on their communication about what they see.    While they are in a state of homeostasis, they are not distracted by physical needs.   
A hedonist wants to feel as much urge to copulate as he can, while for the Epicurean couple physical intimacy serves to reach the homeostasis of feeling free of those instinctive urges for a while.

3.   Reasons to end a relationship

Hedonists and Epicurean couples also end their relationships for very different reasons.   In all relationships, the initial passion fades with time.    When this happens, for the hedonist the relationship looses its value, its justification, its purpose, even though there may nothing else be wrong in the relationship, except that the hedonist does not get satisfaction of his predominant need anymore.   Logically, he ends the relationship to find satisfaction elsewhere, but considers his ex as a platonic friend and wants to stay in contact.

For an Epicurean couple, fading passion is of no consequence.   It only means, that the couple have to be less active to maintain the homeostasis, that they feel comfortable with.    If an Epicurean decides to end a relationship, then it is for a serious reason in the behavior of the partner, some transgression, that cannot be repaired.    If their basis of companionship has been destroyed, the basis for friendship is automatically also destroyed. 

4.   Opposite gender friends, fidelity, equality

For a hedonist, passion and physical desire are the purpose for a relationship and they define, with whom he gets involved, not the personality, nor intellectual and emotional closeness.   He can be passionately infatuated with a woman from the gutter, whom he considers as stupid and inferior.  He calls many women friends, whom he estimates and with whom he shares more intellectually than with his partner, but these women are mere friends, because they do not elicit his passions.  
With his definition of a relationship, he does not consider such friendship as cheating.   

For an Epicurean, the personality, the values, the qualities, the attitudes, the ethical integrity of a person define for him, who is good enough to be called a true friend.   The same traits are also included in his criteria for his choice of a mindmate.    Therefore as soon as an Epicurean considers a woman as a true friend, he also considers her as a potential companion, except if there are special obstacles.    For the Epicurean, commitment is the intimacy of friendship enhanced and enlarged with physical intimacy added to make the special bond.    He therefore is aware, that fidelity is more than merely keeping away from other women's bodies.   For him, any close friendship with a woman is emotional cheating.   She is his equal partner and his best friend, and she has not intellectual deficits, that would be a justification to seek intellectual compensation with other female friends.   They share their friendships with other people as a couple.  

5.  Domination

The Epicurean wants the joy of a woman sharing her thoughts and her intellectual life with him.   He can only get this from a woman, who is his equal and whom he treats as an equal.   A woman's communication can only be voluntary, it cannot be obtained by coercion.

An Epicurean man is not very prone to get interested in a hedonistic woman, and even less would he get involved with one.   The male hedonist chooses a woman by her passion eliciting body, no matter, who she is.    If she also is a hedonist, then they may be a match and content with each other.   But if she is an Epicurean, then she is at high risk to be dominated and used, if he succeeds to lure her into a relationship.  

In entry 219 I speculated about the correlation of dominance, promiscuity and immaturity.   Now I add strong hedonism to the correlation and I see the complementary correlation between equality, bonding, maturity and  Epicureanism.  

6.   Conclusions for my mindmate search

Whenever a man tells me, that he is still friends with his previous intimate partners, I conclude, that he is a hedonist and that for him a relationship does not have the same purpose as for me.   

When a man has many women friends, but in spite searches for a partner, it makes me suspicious.   Obviously, his focus is not on choosing a companion by the same qualities as he has chosen these women friends, but he is a hedonist searching predominantly for passion.   Most probably, in his perception a companionship without passion is not an option, therefore with such a man, there is a high risk of his ending a relationship, as soon as his passion fades.   

My mindmate is an Epicurean, not a hedonist.