I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

216. Domination or Commitment Governance - 3

Domination or Commitment Governance - 3

On a dating site, I found a quiz about how much someone would go along with another person's suggestion or have a will or opinion of his or her own.   Unfortunately I have forgotten, on which site I have seen this, so I cannot quote the exact phrase. 

There was one question, how the reader would react, if the partner would buy flight tickets for a weekend, in spite of the fear of flying of the reader.   
What amazed me, was that only one of the possible replies was as strong as anger.    Implicitly the question insinuated, that pressing an unpleasant experience upon another is nothing serious.    Since usually men spend money on women, so I assume that in this example the buyer of the tickets is a man and the phobic person is a woman.    In the mind of the author of that quiz, a woman is supposed to agree to about anything, if she wants to be agreeable.    

It was a short question, there was not enough information to really be able decide on a reply, but by making some additional assumptions, this serves as some more examples for what is domination.

Scenario 1:
They know each other only a short time and he does not even know, that she is phobic of flying.    This is a good example of thoughtless and well meaning behavior, that is domination, even though the man is not even aware of.    If a man buys a ticket for a woman for an event at a fixed date, this is generally a subtle form of domination.   
The woman is under pressure accept the invitation, else the money is wasted.   It can be a subtle form of extortion.   She may have to change plans, that she already had for that same time, she may have to overcome obstacles like fear.   Maybe the event is something very unpleasant for her.   A man, who has respect and consideration for the woman, would only suggest the invitation, but he postpones to buy the tickets until after she has accepted.       

Scenario 2:
They know each other long enough, that he knows about her fear of flying, but not long enough to have ever talked about it.    He does not even know, if her phobia is general or if she has lost a close relative in a plane crash.  
Buying flight ticket in this situation is not only domination, but it is cruel and inconsiderate.    The woman suffers pain, no matter what she does.   If she submits and comes along, she is going to suffer the pain of the phobic experience, if she refuses, she suffers the bad conscience of wasting the money of the flight and of disappointing him.    
He could initiate to talk about how to handle the phobia in the future, he could offer her his support and he could make any suggestions.  But what is the best method can only be her own choice, evaluation and decision, it has to be in the scope of her abilities.  

Scenario 3:
They are living together, and after experiencing the limitations of being deprived of flying vacations, it is her explicit new year's resolution to go on a flight and attempt to overcome her fear.    A few days later he comes with the tickets for a short flight.    In this case, it is not domination, because he just supports her to do, what she really wants to do and is determined to do.