I am a woman born 1949 and my quest is to find a mindmate
to grow old together as a mutually devoted couple
in a relationship based upon the
egalitarian rational commitment paradigm
bonded by intrinsic commitment
as each other's safe haven and secure basis.

The purpose of this blog is to enable the right man
to recognize us as reciprocal mindmates and
to encourage him to contact me:

The entries directly concerning,
who could be my mindmate,
are mainly at the beginning.
If this is your predominant interest,
I suggest to read this blog in the same order
as it was written, following the numbers.

I am German, therefore my English is sometimes faulty.

Maybe you have stumbled upon this blog not as a potential match.
Please wait a short moment before zapping.

Do you know anybody, who could be my mindmate?
Your neighbour, brother, uncle, cousin, colleague, friend?
If so, please tell him to look at this blog.
While you have no reason to do this for me,
a stranger, maybe you can make someone happy, for whom you care.

Do you have your own webpage or blog,
which someone like my mindmate to be found probably reads?
If so, please mention my quest and add a link to this blog.

Friday, January 21, 2011

217. Domination and Exploitation

Domination and Exploitation

In entry 213 I defined domination in a relationship of adult mates.   The basic attitude of the dominator is his selfish entitlement to get all the benefits and advantages from the dominee, no matter what methods of coercion he uses.   The dominee is not considered and perceived as a partner, but as a utility serving the dominator's selfish purposes.  
This is even true, when the dominator firmly believes, that what he forces upon the dominee were in her best interest and beneficial for her.    In this case, he uses the dominee to gain and enhance the delusion of being a good person.   

The dominator gets his selfish advantage by actively using coercion on the dominee.   Domination is a constellation enabling exploitation. 
There is also a different variety, it is the exploitation by the loading the own burden upon others:

It concerns people with a special disability or limitation.   Long ago, I have known a woman, whose one leg was amputated below the knee as the consequence of an accident.   From then on, she allowed her disability dominate everybody.   Obviously, she felt, that the world owed her to serve her whims and wishes, she felt entitled to get all benefits and advantages she could get as a compensation.   In reality, it was much more than a compensation, it gave her additional benefits.  
They made her an artificial limb, but it would have needed effort and even some initial pain to learn to walk with it.   She did not bother to even attempt to learn using it.   She preferred to have people push her around in a wheelchair and go on errands for her.   There were always some people having compassion and a wish to help, I was one of them.   She just took all and everybody's help for granted, she did not perceive, that people decided voluntarily to help.   She subjectively experienced being served her due.

I have met or heard of many more cases, when someone with some special need or disability feels entitled to get any advantage and benefit, that he can get, without any gratitude.

I could call the refusal to limit the burden upon others the dominance by passivity or by inertia.  Someone has the choice to either put the burden of a problem upon someone else or make active efforts to reduce the burden.  


1.  The woman could have learned to walk with the artificial limb and have become independent of other people's help.   She choose to remain dependent on others as it was more comfortable.    The burden would have been on her partner, had she been in a relationship.  

2.  The woman with the flight fear in entry 216 has the same choice.   She can either work on reducing and eliminating the fear, or she can feel entitled, that her partner submits to the consequences of never flying to a vacation destination together.  

3.  Someone is scared to drive.   S/he can either take advantage of the partner to be her taxi driver, whenever s/he wants to go somewhere, or s/he can conquer her fear and get a driver's license.   

4.  Someone has low self-esteem and lacks confidence.   He can either accept the partner's support and maybe get other help, or he can abase and demean the partner and reduce her to a source of narcissistic supply. 

5.  An addict, no matter if it is alcohol, drugs or whatever, has the choice to either do something about his problem, or to burden the partner with his behavior.     If the partner complies, this is called codependency.  

There are many more constellations, where one has the choice, whom to burden with his trouble.   It is the choice to exploit or not.   I can see a pattern, when it concerns couples in a relationship between an exploitor and an exploitee.   
The exploitee is committed, bonded and feels caring non-selfish love.   Therefore the exploitee is motivated to support and help the other.   The exploitee behaves and treats the exploitor as if he were an egalitarian partner.  The exploitee suffers by this mistake and error of judgement.  
The exploitor may value the exploitee as a precious utility and may be infatuated, but any uncaring love is absent.   The more advantages the exploitor gets, the more he values the exploitee.  He does not value the exploitee as a person, but as a resource.  The absence of care, of emotional restrictions, of commitment gives the exploitor the power.
This pattern is not so much about material exploitation, but more about emotional exploitation.   The exploitee gets emotionally exhausted, devastated, burned-out, depleted.   The exploitor gains emotional resources to continue living with and to avoid coping with his special problem.  
The exploitation ends, when the exploitee is spent to the point, when the exploitor discards the exploitee, because there is nothing left to gain, or when the exploitee gets aware of the outrage of the situation and leaves.    An exploitor does not stop, as long as he can get something.